Dis-closure

Thursday begins the mediation and drafting of paperwork. There is a for sale sign in the front yard. The house is barren of any personal items. It's now just a showcase.


Things are what they are. Uncertainties have always make me uneasy, but this is something that can be worked out and is ultimately for the best. Being alone is both great and not so great. Most of my sadness at the onset, was directed at Lily. I was so afraid of how she was going to handle things. She climbed in my lap a few weeks into the separation and said "Daddy, I don't like this" and I asked what she meant. "I just wanna be a family again, here..." It was heart wrenching, but we talked about things for a few minutes and got through it. Her teachers all mention how well she's doing. She's just very matter of fact. Like a little adult. I've asked them to provide me with any comments or irregular behavior. We try very hard to make sure her routine has stayed as constant as possible, and that she can't get away with anything extra as she tests the new boundaries. Of course there's the extra attention, but I believe that's fairly encouraged by any person knowledgeable in the subject of child psychology. But she's not stupid, and I don't think that we can, or should, tiptoe lightly around the situation. It is what it is... It is what it is.


The quiet house is too much sometimes. I leave the tv on in the background while here by myself. It's hard cooking for 1&1/4.

I hope that she will always want both her Mom and Dad in her life, teaching her what we know and like. She's a smart, smart little girl, and that has to be fostered. Both at school and at home. Family dinners and social easiness around all family. She is my baby girl and I *promised* her that I would fly to the moon for her if needed - to always be there to scare away the monsters and 'dhosts' (ghosts). I cannot and will not let her down in any of these things.

What will my new apartment be like?

She is at such a beautiful age. I never think I want the current stage to end, but the new one is always better. I want to ensure I am a part of the stages to understand how she grows up, learning, processing information. I have to look at the reality that she may, at 11 years old, start hating daddy and attempt to make any time spent with me miserable. I know. I need my time in there now to do what I can to make sure it does not happen. I never would have believed that I could have produced something so awesome as that little girl. She impresses me every single day and I want to keep it that way.

Grains of salt. I know.

It's always possible to do all of the right things, and still end up with a ill-adjusted teen, looking for anything that will piss you off. I think we're smart enough and caring enough NOT to be that woman yelling at her kid at McDonald's, but possibilities are endless, and the thought of going through some of them alone can be a little frighting. This is going to have to be a stronger commitment than our wedding vows. Maybe that's why it's so much more expensive!

As time goes on, I'm sure more will spill out.


There have been a million thoughts floating through my head during all of this, and even during the last few years or so. I hope the civility remains and that family respect that. Don't hate or think badly of someone just because a marriage didn't work out. Remember that marriage is a 2 person thing, both parties guilty of not solving problems that persisted and festered. There is no room for guilt when it is an unnecessary obstacle to doing what's best for Lily.


It can all be a bit surreal, and devastatingly real as well. Life waits for no one.

Love me some Judge Judy

The Manliness Factor

I watch Tv, and you know.. the occasional Tampon or other feminine hygiene product commercial will come on. Oh God, I think.. WHY do they have to air this crap.. who the hell buys into the "not so fresh feeling" message they're sending out. Is it necessary for someone to sit there and tell me how they can make their nethers spell not so unfresh?

But I was watching TV last night. South Park, and the Daily Show, specifically. And there were a LOT of commercials targeted towards men. I don't remember which one got my attention first, but I remember that it was for deodorant. This commercial would have you believe that by using this product, you will become the world's manliest man ever to walk the earth. Sort of to the effect of the Axe commercials, but this included the ruggedness along with the straight-up sex appeal. Then a Razor commercial. Then a Burger king commercial. Sonic. Fast and Furious, etc.

Now, I'm not planning on going to the movies to see the Fast and the Furious, but damn, I really wanted that deodorant and thought about stopping by Burger King for Lunch. I checked my circular for that Razor while thinking about late night ice-cream. I buy axe because of the commercial. I've been sold to...

In short, marketing works. So, come on, I guess it's ok for you to tell me about your abundance of yeast or Aunt Flo...

Dear Mike

Dear Mike,

Every week is a new treat - you fail to disappoint. You, with your wavy salt and pepper hair, glasses on the tip of your nose, looking down upon the world; man's ultimate fantasy. Last week it was the spandex biking shorts, complete with the bulge prominently displayed for the world to see. Before that, it was the tight leather pants and even tighter black turtleneck. If you weren't overweight, you might be able to pull these off. Your key chain with both a Lexus and Mercedes keys stays out in the open at all times. That's hot, baby. Your understanding of things is purely political, unbiased, and comes from years of experience as a professional on the inside, fighting the system for the man. That's super hawt, baby.

But tonight, though, buddy - tonight was AWESOME. That grey Lycra shirt stuck to your body like glue, partially fastened by the rings of sweat seeping in the folds of your torso as you sit there, astutely, with all the answers. The room was 80+ degrees and still your manly nipples proudly protruded, like ripe raisins, invoking the swooning of everyone you walked by, not once, not twice, but, ah yes, thrice. No change in 3 hours. rock fucking solid. I salute you and your man nips.

Here's a funny link about man nipples

FIX IT!!

Yeah, I know it's like 4 months old, but I thought it was relevant after last night's presidential address.

Personality Test.

So, I took this personality Test.. I've taken them before for Education Classes and whatnot. I found it humorous.

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/introduction.php

Enneagram Type 1 - The Reformer: Perfectionists, responsible, fixated on improvement

Enneagram type 1 - The Reformer People of this personality type are essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who desire to reform and improve; idealists who strive to make order out of the omnipresent chaos.

Ones have a fine eye for detail. They are always aware of the flaws in themselves, others and the situations in which they find themselves. This triggers their need to improve, which can be beneficial for all concerned, but which can also prove to be burdensome to both the One and those who are on the receiving end of the One's reform efforts.

The One's inability to achieve the perfection they desire feeds their feelings of guilt for having fallen short, and fuels their incipient anger against an imperfect world. Ones, however, tend to feel guilty about their anger. Anger is a "bad" emotion, and Ones strive sincerely and wholeheartedly to be "good." Anger is therefore vigorously repressed from consciousness, bursting forth in occasional fits of temper, but usually manifesting in one of its many less obvious permutations - impatience, frustration, annoyance and judgmental criticality. For this reason, Ones can be difficult to live with, but, on the high side, they tend to be loyal, responsible and capable partners and friends.

Ones are serious people; they tend to be highly principled, competent and uncompromising. They follow the rules and expect others to do so as well. Because they believe so thoroughly in their convictions, they are often excellent leaders who can inspire those who follow them with their own vision of excellence. Reform movements are frequently spearheaded by Ones.

Ones are often driven and ambitious, and are sometimes workaholics. But whatever their professional involvement, they are definitely active, practical people who get things done. They are natural born organizers, listmakers who finish everything on the list, the last one to leave the office, the first one to return, industrious, reliable, honest and dutiful.

The relentlessness of their pursuit of the ideal can make Ones tense people who have a hard time relaxing and who unnecessarily deny themselves many of the harmless pleasures of life. They tend to be emotionally repressed and uncomfortable with expressing tender feelings; they generally see emotionality as a sign of weakness and lack of control. They are seldom spontaneous. They have multiple interests and talents however; they are self-reliant and seldom run out of things to do.

Ones are often intelligent and independent and can easily mistake themselves for Fives, but unlike Fives, Ones are primarily people of action, not thought. Ones tend to worry and are prone to anxiety and can sometimes mistype as Sixes, but they are far less affiliative than Sixes and their standards are not reached by seeking consensus with a group. Finally, the relentless pursuit of perfection can take its toll and lead to depression. At such times, a One can mistype as a Four. But Fours have a tendency towards self-indulgence whereas Ones are self-denying. Fours are emotionally expressive; Ones are emotionally constrained.

South by Southwest.

There comes a time in life when we have to make hard decisions. Sometimes we have help, guidance and support from those around us. Other times, we are forced to seek out those answers for ourselves.

I've made a lot of decisions in my life; some of them good, but many of them bad. I've had to live with those decisions despite not always wanting to. It's part of being grown-up, I suppose. Wrong turns are around every corner, and if you're like me, you have a bad sense of direction and absolutely no internal compas to keep you on the right path. I get lost on the way home from the store. Real life is that much harder

However, If you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be where I am today, I would have laughed, called you crazy, and burned you at the stake- figuratively speaking, of course. After futzing around and playing the blamegame for too long, I've somehow ended up in a pretty decent place in life, all things considered. I'm not saying things couldn't be better, but couldn't they always?

I'm rounding 35 - most of the time I forget my exact age and have to calculate. I'm not sure if that's normal, but I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference if I'm 33, 34, or 36 at this point. It doesn't change anything. What matters is today.

Perception is a powerful tool. It can bring you down or it can take you to new heights. It's the classic half full/half empy thing. My best friend pointed out in my last post that if life is going to chage for the better, I have to stop being the "realistic pesimist." Every bit of my being knows this. But it's a very hard train to stop when it's been speeding down the track at full speed for so long. I need to look at all of the positives I have and feel blessed, instead of looking at the negatives and feel defeated. Several years ago, This same best friend, after a few years of some really hard struggles himself, said something that will always stick with me. "each night, when I go to bed, I ask myself if I've tried my best, because that's all I can do and all anyone can ever expect you to do"

Today, I did my best, Drew. Thank you.

Life is not too fast...

..it's just that sometimes we're just too stupid to slow down and look at it for what it really is. Sure, every year seems to go by at an accelerated rate, but that should be a good thing. Mostly.
I'm probably not making sense. That's ok, because I know what *I* mean, and that's all that matters.

I don't believe there is only one road in life, but rather a lot of side-streets and alleys that get you to the same place.

I'm not sure where this side-street is taking me, but it's a little dark, unfamiliar, and a little scary. I can only go through with my head up as high as possible to make sure I don't miss any opportunities.

Sometimes change is good. I need to learn to accept that. No, I need to learn to enbrace that.

Stop and smell the flowers, dumbass.

We go through life never fully certain of what tomorrow is going to bring. We can only go to bed each night knowing that we did the best we could with today in hopes of preparing us for what lies ahead. I don't ask myself this question every night, but maybe I should start: "Did I do everything I should have and put forth the level of effort I know I am capable of and that everyone else is depending on?"

After months of Chemotherapy and 9 weeks of daily radiation treatments, my mom waits. How do you suddenly go from centering your life around daily hospital visits for half a year to nothing but sitting around for a week wondering about and waiting for the final test results? Either the cancer is eradicated or it's still there; determined to live on, mutate, and eventually take over. This is something that I have no control over, even if I were a praying man. Where I do have control is making sure that she doesn't go through this alone, and frankly, I don't know if I succeeded in this aspect or not. There should be more visits given that she's only 15 minutes away from me. She loves to have her granddaughter(s) around, even if they drive her nuts when they're both together for extended periods of time. What kids wouldn't? I feel guilty for not being there everyday. I feel guilty that she spends many of her days alone, regardless of the fact that she enjoys solitude.

I guess I don't ask myself that question each night because I already know the answer and am ashamed. I should be visiting her more often, for no real reason. I should go have lunch with my daughter more often given she's on the same campus as I. I should find 15 minutes a day to exercise. I should be more productive at work. I should tell my wife I love her more often. I should lend a hand even when I don't want to, solely because it's the right things to do. I should find ways to be more interactive and involved with the people around me. I should stop being overly critical and instead find the positive side to things. I should buy a year's worth of birthday cards so that I don't have that excuse.

There are a lot of things that I should be doing differently. Nobody is perfect, and we all have our days, but life is too short. I will be 33 soon. My Daughter is almost 4. Life is whizzing my me at an accelerated rate. Hopefully I can find a way to grab on tighter and enjoy the ride, regardless of how uncertain or bumpy it may be. Life shouldn't be about you; it should be about those that choose to surround you with their company. That's where life exists...

Should I...

Should I start blogging again? I took a break for several reasons, but I'm not sure they were completely valid.

What is it about bacon???

what is it that has everyone in an uproar over bacon? Or am I just nuts. It seems like I am hearing about bacon being the new gourmet ingredient everywhere... chocolate covered bacon. bacon ice cream. bacon salad bowls.... Bacon bacon bacon..

I mean, i like bacon. I could eat a pack of bacon if my wife would let me. Maybe two.
But, come on, people, lets leave the bacon for breakfast....

Link: Bacon's so popular, they're putting it in Chocolate-Chip Cookies

Mommy's plastic surgery

wow. Check out how perky she is. What a nice boob job and tummy tuck. What's wrong with this picture?

"Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a renowned plastic surgeon, wrote My Beautiful Mommy to help patients explain their transformation to their children."

How about just saying "You're mom's a very insecure woman easily influenced by media and society"

"The story guides children through Mommy's surgery and healing process in a friendly, nonthreatening way."

Again, how about just saying "You're mom's a stuck up b*tch"

Illustrations show a crook-nosed mom with loose tummy skin under her half shirt picking up her young daughter early from school one day and taking her to a strapping and handsome "Dr. Michael."

Mom explains she's going to have operations on her nose and tummy and may have to take it easy for a week or so. The girl asks if the operations will hurt, and mom replies, "Maybe a little," warning she'll look different after the bandages come off.

The girl asks: "Why are you going to look different?"

Mom responds: "Not just different, my dear -- prettier!"

Yea! A happy fairytale ending. /vomits

sources: Big Tent Books and Associated Press

Um, I can't come into work today

I wanted to call into work this morning:

"Yeah, I can't make it into work - I was in an earthquake"

How often do you legitimately get to use that excuse??

Ghosts, Monsters, and Dogs

I was putting lily to put and the wind was howling...

      Daddy, what's that noise?
Me: that's just the wind
      Just the wind? Dat's creepy. It sounds like a steleton or a dost (ghost) - i don't like dosts.
Me: nope, just the wind. you don't have to be scared.
      Daddy?
Me: Yes pumpkin.
      Will you always make me not scared of steletons and dosts?
Me: of couse - that's what dads are for...
      What about monsters? and big dogs?
Me: Yes, those too.

And with that, she rolled over, stuck her thumb in her mouth and went to sleep.

Thanks for calling dominos

after a great intro bit about ordering online...

(annoyed)       Dominos, can I help you?
Me: Yes I'd like to place an order for delivery
      uh, where you live at?
Me: Well, my address is xyz somestreet.
      Ok, well whatcho want?
Me: Well, I'd like the 3 pizzas for 4 dollars deal that's advertised.
      so you want three cheese pizzas?
Me: Um, No, I want three different pizzas
      all hand tossed?
Me: Wait, what? no. Can we just go through this pizza by pizza?
      yeah, whatcho want?
Me: ok, the first I would like regular crust, extra cheese, 2nd I would like thin with Italian Sausage. Third - is it extra for deep dish?
      yeah, it a dollar.
Me: Ok, well my third pizza I'd like deep dish with -
      we don't have no deep dish here that size. you cant get it.
Me: but you just told me it was a dollar extra. if it's not available for this promotion, couldn't you have skipped that whole stepp and just TOLD me that deep dish isn't available in this promotion?
      huh? can you repeat that?
Me: *sigh* never mind. Third pizza I want hand tossed with pepperoni.
      Cash, check or charge.
Me: Check, or charge if it's easier.
      it'll be 21.73
Me: Excuse me?
      21.73 is your total, it'll be 3o minutes..
Me: Wait, hold on. when did 3 times 4 = 21??
      whatcho sayin?
Me (annoyed as all hell): Is there a supervisor there?
      yeah, he busy tho.
Me: I'll wait.
      you still want this order?
Me: I want to wait and speak to the supervisor.
      I gotsta put you on hold man
Me: Uh, whateva, sista

So I get on with the shift supervisor,bitch and complain, and have my pizzas delivered at the 4 dollar rate. He offered to throw in a free deep-dish. I agreed. It (the deep dish) never arrived. I thought about calling back, but instead shuddered at the thought and put the phone back down.

I hate Dominos.